You know when you put on a Jacket for the first time in a long time and you reach into the pocket and you find five dollars? Thatâ€™s a pretty good feeling right? You want to know why it is a good feeling? Because itâ€™s unexpected! This is the feeling I get when my yet to be born son teaches me something new, it is totally unexpected, but it is completely good!
So far, I have been a father for the past 7 months, wellâ€¦ technically negative 2 months, and I have only really known that I was going to be a father for the past 6 months. Anyways, I have been a father now for 7 monthsâ€¦
It is hard being a father and not being able to see or touch your child, it almost doesnâ€™t even feel real some days, you know, besides the morning sickness, the random cravings, the constant growth of my wifeâ€™s tummy and the little kicks on my hand every night, but besides that everything else is a mysteryâ€¦
I donâ€™t know what my soon to be son will look like, what color his eyes or hair will be, I donâ€™t know if he will be short or tall, if he will like chocolate better than vanilla, or if he will learn to sit, stand, walk and talk slowly or quicklyâ€¦ I just donâ€™t know yet, and at times it can feel a little scary.
There is this constant tension between these scary thoughts of what kind of person he will grow up to be (will he do the right things, will he love God and others, or will he be a rebel and run his own way) and happy thoughts, like coaching his sports teams, taking him on his first missions trip or teaching him about girlsâ€¦ Well, the last one there is kind of happy and scary, hahaha!
However, when I think of the scary and happy things, I also think about God. I think about this miracle that is happening right before my very eyes and I think about how God must feel when he looks down at us. This frustration when we choose our own way and excitement when we choose the things of Him! And when I think of these things it gives me hope, I get excited that in a very short while I will be able to hold my newborn son in my arms, that I will watch him take his first steps, potty train, learn sports and music and languages, and all I can do is to help him on his way, to teach him the best I know how and to be there for him whenever he needs me. Like God, there is only so much I can do for my child, he is going to have to come out into this world some day and make mistakes and do the wrong thing sometime. However, I have to believe that between his mother and I, and the amazing support group around us, that he will end up making more of the right choices than not.
I am sure there are going to be a lot of happy and scary moments in the years to come, but I know it will be all right and that whatever comes our way Katherine and I will have each other and we will have God to watch over us, and our now growing family, and that just makes the scary moments a bit less scary!